Silent Voices, Distant Murmurs
by bjxmas
Summary: S6 Drabbles on the Mystery of Younger Bro. 6.05 - 6.11 Some theories into what might be going on with Sam. Stream of consciousness wonderings & musings. Different perspectives, different explanations. So, what is the truth? This is how Sam's story ends.
1. Inside Man

_Inspired by 6.05 Live Free or Twihard_

Chapter One - Inside Man

I'm on the inside looking out.

Curious, studious…trying to figure out what's expected.

There are times I stumble.

Like when Dean asked when we last shared a beer.

I didn't know the answer; what's _right_…what _he_ would say.

That's when I'm silent…waiting for a distraction so Dean won't suspect.

I've noticed quizzical looks, side glances…like he knows something's not right, but so far I'm fooling him.

I follow Dean's lead.

When he feels concern, I feign my own.

Where he expects a reaction, I mirror his.

Mimicking his behavior, fulfilling his expectations.

Learning… conforming.

This human body is so complex.

The End

bjxmas

October 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_So…who is 'this' Sam and what did he do with 'our' Sam? _

'_Cause I want him back. _

_But I am loving the mystery and the anticipation._

_Where are they taking our Winchesters?_


	2. Running on Empty

_Inspired by 6.05 Live Free or Twihard_

Chapter Two - Running on Empty

_How did it feel? _

_What did you see?_

I quiz him, seeking answers, wanting to feel.

Feel through him.

This body feels hollow…empty.

Something is missing.

When I'm with Dean, when we're alone, I almost feel…_something_.

Not sure what…maybe a connection, a bond.

Like we're meant to be together, hunting side by side.

I've been observing him…

He's different.

Not like Samuel or Christian…

With Dean, there are conflicts, choices…decisions.

Tension and turmoil.

Joy and pain.

I can't tell what he's thinking. I try…but with Dean it's never easy.

It's good he's here.

_We keep each other human._

Interesting concept.

The End

bjxmas

October 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Sammy, where are you? And won't you come back home?_


	3. Still Waters

"_Beneath still waters there's a strong undertow. The surface won't tell you, what the deep waters know." – Beneath Still Waters, written by Dallas Frasier and recorded by Emmylou Harris_

Chapter Three - Still Waters

I feel them gurgling, my emotions…my _feelings._

They've been weighed down for so long now.

An eternity…at least it felt like an eternity.

Locked in the cage with Lucifer, I didn't want to feel.

Couldn't _stand_ to feel.

So I didn't.

But now, being here with Dean,

He dredges the depths, churns up all my spent emotions.

I want to feel the love I see brimming in his eyes.

But I can't feel the other.

It's too much…too painful.

So I struggle, wanting to be who I was,

And yet, knowing what would come.

When I'm with Dean I feel myself growing lighter.

His buoyancy pulling me upward, back to the surface.

I can see a light now, slicing through the black of the deep.

I'm either drowning or just beginning to live again.

The End

bjxmas

October 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_So, at 134 words I guess this is more of a drabble and a third…but I couldn't figure out how to lose anything. I guess I'll just claim I miscounted. Thanks for reading, B.J._


	4. Bitter Truths

_6.06 You Can't Handle the Truth tag_

Chapter Four - Bitter Truths

Dean knows.

I can no longer hide; no longer deny that I came back wrong.

I don't know why.

I don't know how.

But really, maybe this isn't so bad.

I'm stronger…fiercer.

I'm a better hunter than I've ever been.

I'm not afraid.

I don't hesitate.

I see what needs to be done and I do it.

Yes, I risked my brother's life.

But with Dean's strength, knowing who he is, what he's capable of.

Was it really that terrible?

I knew he could handle it.

It was necessary.

Dean's fine.

We got much needed intel.

So, what's his problem?

The End

bjxmas

October 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Oh, Sammy…that's the problem, you don't feel what was wrong. But Dean's gonna help, he'll find a way to fix you 'cause that's what big brothers do. _

_Dean responds in the next chapter._

_Thanks for reading, B.J. _


	5. Confessions

_6.06 You Can't Handle the Truth tag_

Chapter Five – Confessions

He asks me, "What's your problem?"

I look in his eyes and I see nothing but lies.

He's been lying to me from the jump.

I don't trust him.

He doesn't know me, doesn't _feel_.

He's a monster.

He watched me get turned.

He stood there and let it happen.

I can't trust him.

Don't know him.

He looks like my brother, my _Sammy._

God, I want him back so bad.

And yet, all he's brought is pain and uncertainty.

My life again in turmoil, worry ever present.

What scares me the most is…

He just might be my brother.

The End

bjxmas

October 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Oh, Dean…stay the course and fight for your brother. He's worth it. _

_Thanks for reading, take care, B.J._


	6. Wrong Turn

Chapter Six – Wrong Turn

You start life with expectations…

Then you're thrown a curve and all is lost.

Somehow I got my brother back.

Back from the dead, back from Lucifer's cage.

But now it's all turned sour.

He's not the same.

He's not my brother, not the man I surrendered my soul for.

He's different…_wrong._

I can't tell if the real Sam is even there.

I can't live with someone I can't trust.

Someone who doesn't care.

Someone who's lost his humanity.

Our lives are violent…_brutal._

Sometimes it's hard to know what's right.

But this?

This is wrong.

That much I do know.

The End

bjxmas

October 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Thanks for reading, B.J._


	7. Trust Issues

_6.07 Family Matters tag_

Chapter Seven – Trust Issues

Dean's calling the shots now.

I trust him.

I don't know if he trusts me yet, but he should.

My head tells me he's a competent hunter.

Good in a jam.

Worthy of my trust.

That we're in this together.

Side by side.

Committed until the end.

He thinks it's important to get my soul back.

I'm really not too sure on that.

I don't miss it.

Not really.

But if Dean thinks it's necessary.

If it would let him relax a little.

Then we'll go for it.

Dean's in the lead now.

I trust him to know what's best.

The End

bjxmas

November 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I knew Sam was working with Dean, attempting to infiltrate Samuel's camp after Dean's ultimatum. I find this new dynamic intriguing, how Sam seems to have residual knowledge that he belongs with Dean. Maybe without their emotional issues (at least without Sam's…) they'll be able to find the beginnings of that brotherly bond again. _

_I was just happy to see them trusting each other (as much as Dean can trust soulless guy), both choosing to work with the other…them against the world, even if their true emotional bond is still missing. It could be the start of a beautiful relationship again! Give 'em time, it's coming._

_Thanks for reading, B.J. _


	8. Hollow Man

_6.08 All Dogs Go to Heaven tag_

Chapter Eight – Hollow Man

He's not Sam.

He may look like him, hunt like him…the Robocop version of my brother.

He's not the man I've admired my whole life.

I don't know philosophy; don't know what makes us human.

I just know this isn't it.

I don't see him as a monster; after all, he's still my brother.

Well, the shell of my brother.

But what makes Sam _Sam_ is missing and this version of Sam is hollow.

An empty cavern of scary, unpredictable ruthlessness.

Void of concern or worry.

He doesn't _care_.

He's simply existing, cut off from everything that makes us human.

The End

bjxmas

November 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I don't know whether to be sadder for Sam or Dean... I think possibly Dean because Sam doesn't feel, doesn't miss what he doesn't know. Dean's the one again dealing with the loss, the memory of what once was and might never again be._

_Thanks for reading...comments?_

_Later, B.J._


	9. Sam, I Am

_6.08 All Dogs Go to Heaven tag_

Chapter Nine – Sam, I Am

I am your brother. I'm Sam.

I have the same skills, same knowledge…same memories.

I'm me.

Just different.

I remember all the pain from before, the suffering.

I don't feel it, but the memories linger.

How it hurt, how conflicted I was.

Why is that better than this?

Seriously, I want to know.

I don't miss my soul.

But if it makes me a better person, a better brother.

If that's what I need to make me whole, to make me who I'm supposed to be.

Then fine, let's get my soul back.

I'm ready to be your Sam again.

The End

bjxmas

November 2010

_It __is__ the great philosophical question, what makes us who we are? What differentiates us from the animals and gives us our humanity?_

_I have always loved that despite the harshness of their lives and what they are forced to do for their job; our boys have always agonized and cared. It's what makes them so worthy of admiration. It is a hard life they lead, but they never seem to be hardened by all the cruelty and despair that surrounds them, instead still capable of feeling, still able to make choices based on their humanity. _

_Thanks for reading, comments allowed. Later, B.J._


	10. Sleep Patterns

_6.08 All Dogs Go to Heaven tag_

Chapter Ten – Sleep Patterns

He doesn't sleep.

So what does he do while I sleep?

Research? TV? Sit in the dark and contemplate life?

He doesn't agonize over right and wrong.

Doesn't wonder who he is, what he's missing.

Who he's supposed to be.

He simply is.

He doesn't question life or death.

Friendship or family.

Love and loss.

He exists.

He's uncomplicated…basic.

No depth to him, no soul.

No meaning or purpose.

Nothing beyond killing, maiming, destroying.

His life like his chest is empty.

He may hunt evil, but he's not good.

How can he be if he truly can't feel the difference?

The End

bjxmas

Novermber 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_For a simple show (a false assumption by those not in the know), our show poses some intriguing philosophical questions and some mighty compelling quandaries. _

_Comments welcome. Thanks for reading and Happy New Year! Later, B.J._


	11. Pieces of the Past

Chapter Eleven – Pieces of the Past

I want to help.

I wish I had answers…the means to relieve Dean's concerns.

I don't fully comprehend humans.

I see the loss…the void in Sam, the longing in Dean.

Everything I admired about the Winchesters now missing.

That impenetrable bond almost severed.

Sam distant, unreachable.

Dean angry, inconsolable.

A human soul the key to the mystery.

Why they do what they do.

Why they refuse to adhere to reason if the cost is too high.

Why they care even when it brings pain.

Why they agonize to do right.

Why they stand beside their family…their _humanity_.

Why they fight.

The End

bjxmas

November 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Well, I just thought it would be nice to hear from the angel, get Cas' perspective on the state of Sam's soul and their destinies. And hasn't this been the soul of the show since the very beginning? What makes the Winchesters special, what makes them care? What makes them continue the struggle against unimaginable odds? _

_Comments appreciated, take care, B.J._


	12. Hindsight

Chapter Twelve – Hindsight

I should have seen this coming.

I bought into the whole 'Let Dean have his life' speech.

I'm not as close to Sam, but I should have noticed he wasn't the same.

Maybe I saw what I wanted to see, a Sam who put his brother first.

I wanted Dean out.

After watching Sam die, after Dean's death.

I just wanted the dying to stop.

Wanted one Winchester to live free of all this evil.

I wanted Dean to have that chance at a normal life.

Sam was so resigned to being a hunter.

That should have clued me in.

The End

bjxmas

November 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I still maintain Bobby loves both boys as sons. Dean simply needed him more and hence, they do have a closer bond. Doesn't mean Bobby doesn't love Sam. Like a true parent, you love all your children equally but in different ways, providing what each one needs._

_Both boys suffered from John's absence, but Sam had Dean. Dean was the one looking for a father-figure to fill that void, someone he could look up to and depend on. _

_Thanks for reading, comments welcome. Take care, B.J._


	13. Cost Benefit Analysis

_6.10 Caged Heat tag_

Chapter Thirteen – Cost/Benefit Analysis

That's it, I'm done.

I call the shots now and I say no.

I am not going to give up my life to gain a soul.

I'm fine.

Just as I am.

If Dean doesn't like it, then tough.

I am not going to risk it.

The probable cost far outweighs any potential gain.

I'd have to be suicidal to even try.

No. The answer is no, and I don't care what Dean says.

When angels and demons agree about something, you pay attention.

Bad idea, Dean.

This is my life, my decision.

We do this over my dead body.

The End

bjxmas

December 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I can't say that I blame Sam for reversing course. Cas seems pretty certain and the outcome looks dire. Thing is, Sam can't keep on like this. He needs his soul. Dean's right about that._

_Thanks for reading, B.J._


	14. Compass, Due Soulth

_6.11 Appointment in Samarra tag _

Chapter Fourteen – Compass, Due Soulth

Dean is so certain, so sure.

Asks me to trust him.

He's always known what's right, but this?

He says he won't let anything bad happen to me.

He's my brother, my protector.

Yet he's failed in the past.

Taken wrong turns, made bad calls.

Intentions don't hold the line.

Not always.

This whole mess could turn sideways and I'm the one risking it all.

He means well but he's blinded by need.

I don't need my soul back, he does.

Sometimes you don't get what you need, Dean.

I have to fight this, protect myself.

Dean's wrong, so wrong.

The End

bjxmas

December 2010

_No, Sammy, you're wrong. You need your soul, you truly do._

_Thanks for reading, B.J._


	15. Survival

_6.11 Appointment in Samarra_ _tag_

Chapter Fifteen - Survival

I don't want to hurt him.

He's been nothing but good to me.

I'm doing this so I can survive.

I suppose it's sad that he has to die.

If I had a soul, I'd feel that loss.

One bright spot in all this, I suppose.

Dean wouldn't listen.

Death is powerful, skilled enough to reach into the cage and pull out my soul.

I just can't trust in this firewall of his.

Nothing is that foolproof.

This is my life, my sanity.

I don't have a choice here.

Bobby has to die so I can live.

Regrettable, but necessary.

The End

bjxmas

December 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Oh, Sammy! Thank goodness Dean got there in time._

_As Dean has pointed out, you can't be trusted to know what's right or wrong. It's not your fault…but it is your problem. And Dean's…'cause that's what brothers are for._

_Thanks again. I think I'm about done with these drabbles. Two more for sure, a really harsh look from Dean's perspective concerning just what he's going to do with his non-brother and then Death speaks. Oh, how I do love the character of Death. _

_Take care, B.J._


	16. Of Mice and Men

_6.11 Appointment in Samarra tag_

Chapter Sixteen – Of Mice and Men

I barely made it back in time.

If Sam had done it, if he'd succeeded in killing Bobby…

I couldn't live with him this way.

Inflicting his warped sensibilities on the world.

Killing people, running rampant.

I would have had to end him.

And that would have killed me.

He's my brother…or else he's not.

We can't go on like this.

Something has to give.

I will not let him be this soulless thing.

This monster.

Sam wouldn't have wanted that.

I have to hang tough and do what's right.

I call the shots and I say this ends now.

The End

bjxmas

December 2010

_Dean is in such a bad situation here. How could he let Sam continue on as he was? What would he have done if Death hadn't provided some hope…the possibility that our Sam could be saved? Could Dean have faced the alternative? Could he do it?_

_How could he not?_

_For a CW show that gets no respect, Supernatural brings about some complicated and most fascinating discussions. _

_Thanks for reading, and as always, comments are welcome._

_Later, B.J. _


	17. Judgment

_6.11 Appointment in Samarra tag_

Chapter Seventeen – Judgment

These Winchesters are more complex than most humans.

More demanding…and infuriating…

Still, Dean is intriguing.

He handled himself well.

Did what he had to do, even when he'd already lost the wager.

Fascinating…

I'm not in the habit of saving people.

Destiny and fate don't normally allow intervention.

Somehow his dedication won me over.

A man without his soul isn't a man.

The soul…so intricate, so valuable.

Worth more than he can imagine.

Strange how it all plays out.

This need…this desire.

Perhaps this is how it is meant to be.

He needs to keep digging.

He'll know soon enough.

The End

bjxmas

December 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I absolutely freaking LOVE Death! I love seeing him spar with Dean, how he challenges and threatens him and yet still seems to admire our bold and brazen human. Death holds real power over Dean and yet our brave hunter is still cocky and defiant, even within his respectful unease. Yep, more Death, please! _

_And I do have one more chapter…I mean, seriously, how could I not end on Sam's POV after being resouled? _

_Comments welcome and much appreciated. Thanks for reading, B.J._


	18. Rebirth

_6.11 Appointment in Samarra tag _

Chapter Eighteen – Rebirth

I remember panic and then pain.

White light searing through my chest.

Lighting me on fire.

My heart beating so fast… then it slowed…

And then it throbbed.

Memories bombarded me and I knew what I had done.

I saw everything…

My words to Bobby that night assaulting my ears.

Shame and regret overcoming me.

I turned away from Bobby, unable to face him.

And there was Dean.

All I saw was the ever-present worry and then relief.

Hope shining in liquid eyes.

Every emotion I had ever felt for Dean spilled over

And I knew I was finally home.

The End

bjxmas

January 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I don't know what I was thinking giving Death the final say in this verse. The Winchesters have never succumbed to death, why let him have the upper hand now? This is Sam's story, so he simply had to have the last word. _

_I'm posting this before we know how the show handles Sam's return. If the real writers inspire me to add another chapter from their POV, I will, otherwise I believe this verse is complete. I'm not normally a big drabble writer, but I found this endeavor immensely fulfilling and I hope it was also a satisfying journey for the reader. Thanks for tagging along, take care, B.J. _


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